Her

Based on my past posts and the title, it'd be fair to assume that this is another maniacal rant about how perfect she is. In all honesty, I don't know what to think about her. Of course I wouldn't be writing about her if she didn't mean that much to me, so again, it's same to assume I love her... or loved... I'm still a little confused about that part. So back to the problem at hand: Her. She comes into my life with the face of an angel, the grace of a swan, the personality of a piece of bread and the biggest head I've yet to find on a person (metaphorically speaking of course). We dated once, back in 7th grade. It was the happiest prepubescent days of my life. I remember every minor detail of those few fleeting days we were together. I remember that time when our hands brushed and my heart exploded in a frenzy of contractions. I remember looking into her eyes and trying to find the courage to talk without tripping over my words out of nervousness. I remember telling her how I really felt about her and how I wanted to feel this way forever. And I remember when she told me things weren't going to work out between us. I'm not keeping count but for all intensive purposes, this would be the first time of many that she broke my heart. 

Fast-forward a couple years to freshman year, the winter semi-formal dance to be exact. At this specific point in time, we were not only on speaking terms, but even friendlier then that. We danced the night away and of course I thoroughly enjoyed every every second of it. As the night went on, our level of emotional intensity rose exponentially. At the pinnacle of  the emotional high I was going through, a slow song came on. To this day, I'm not sure if it was the way I personally felt about her or the way I looked into her eyes but a surge of emotions boiled up inside me and finally bubbled out. Yes, we kissed, but I felt more then her lips on mine, I felt the long lost feeling that could only be found in fairy tales. But like I previously stated, this isn't a secret love letter proclaiming my feelings to a disinterested crowd, this is a filter for my thoughts and a way for me to make sense of our history. Sadly, we didn't further out relationship after the dance and I honestly couldn't tell you why. I'm not keeping something from my audience, I just really can't remember why. All I remember is that night and nothing else. 

Ever since then, I've been kind of an emotional outlet for her. I don't mind it, I actually like talking to her but it hurts when all she has to say to me is how much of an ass her new boyfriend is. I'm not going to lie: every time I helped her get through a tough situation with her boyfriend, I felt like I should plant a seed of doubt and secretly undermine their relationship. I just couldn't ever bring myself to directly cause her pain. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I caused her to be sad for more then a nanosecond. So of course I blindly mended her emotional wounds and wished her 'good luck' with a pseudo-smile and a silent tear. And the worst has yet to come. When the end of our conversation rolls around, she decides to end it with a little gem that kills a little part of me every time. "I love you Ror". Almost every conversation ends with that and almost every time I meekly respond with a half-assed "I love you too". I don't know if she knows or not but when I tell her that I love her, I mean it with every ounce of my being. 

I know I could go on and on about all the times she's wronged me but I'm smarter then that. I know that she can't be to blame for the entire dilemma. I fucked up, big time. I know I could of had something great with her . If I've learned only one thing from this, it's not to take love for granted. I've learned my lesson and I only hope it's not too late for a second chance. I'm sorry.